So this one’s a little hard. When I started this journey I did it for myself, with a promise that I would be as open and honest as I could be without getting fired from my job or hurting anyone. So if I’m being honest, this post has been in draft form for almost a year now, but after some self discovery, reflection, and therapy, I’m able to be more open.
I try to face everything in life with humor when I can. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism, or maybe it’s just my way of dealing. I have recently learned things can’t always be faced with humor because they’re real, and damaging, and filled with utter heartbreak, pain and guilt.
Up until the summer of 2022, I was completely numb inside. This lasted for about three years, maybe more. I don’t really know how it began or when it did, but I know I had completely checked out. I hadn’t checked out of life, but I had checked out of living. I checked out of my role as a wife, a mother, a friend, and as a daughter. The complete story isn’t all mine to tell, but I have to face the reality of the part I played. I was negligent.
To begin, I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t take care of myself physically, emotionally, but more importantly, I didn’t take care of myself mentally. I was a fucking mess. I guess if there’s any humor to this story it’s the fact I thought I was completely hiding it. I honestly didn’t think anyone could tell that I was no longer the person I use to be. I quickly discovered I was definitely wrong about that!
My husband and I were strangers…roommates…it had come to the point where we didn’t even like each other. In fact, I would go as far to say I couldn’t stand to live under the same roof as him. I stayed at work as late as I could…EVERYDAY. Pulling into the driveway became suffocating. I couldn’t breathe…and I couldn’t physically escape it. So I did what I could to mentally escape, which consisted of mostly sleeping.
It had taken a toll on my health. I was sick all. the. time. In and out of the emergency room on multiple occasions. To this day, I’m still paying medical bills for the ER visits, MRIs, doctors visits, etc… . There wasn’t really anything doctors could find that was causing all of these health problems. At the time, I didn’t even think about it being stress related. My hair was falling out by the handfuls on a daily basis. I felt like shit, and I looked like shit. So when you hear that stress can kill you… it’s the damn truth!
The situation had become so bad, I began to fear the only experience my children would have with love and marriage would be negative. On the home front, love had turned into resentment, distrust, and hatred.
Making the decision to come back together and try to work things out, was a step in the right direction for our marriage, and my children needed to see a better example than what they had been exposed to the past few years. They needed to see parents who held hands, kissed each other hello and goodbye, spent time together. Parents working on affection in order to connect. It wasn’t an easy road… it’s still not an easy road, and continues to be a work in progress.
Although a few of my posts focus on rekindling the flame, and I continue posting pics of us at our best, I’m well aware and acknowledge a marriage cannot be repaired over night. Sometimes it takes months or even years. I guess it takes as long as you’re willing to work on it. It’s the most difficult challenge I have ever taken on. But… the choice to take it on is at least a step forward. But fuck! It’s so hard not to look at the past. I admit, I still catch myself looking in the rearview mirror more often than I should.
So this is my Hail Mary, my last-ditch effort to repair what’s been broken. I’ve started weekly therapy sessions because I knew that I needed to work on myself first. I had completely lost me! I couldn’t even recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. So once I began to work on discovering myself again, I began to see a glimpse of the girl I use to be. But I’m still not there. What I see now is a middle-aged woman that’s trapped somewhere between the 18 year-old girl I once was and the wife and mother I had become. But at least I am beginning to see ME and not this shell of a person I had become.
Am I doing it perfectly? Now that’s funny! Hell NO! I’m still screwing things up and drifting in and out trying to keep at least one foot in the door. But I’m trying, and that’s the best I can do right now.
Love you and I am so proud of your bravery and your courage! ❤️💕
Jamie, the first couple of paragraphs, you were describing me ten years ago. A major life event brought me to my knees and then I started digging, deeper and deeper until I was in a black pit with seemingly no way out. That same event changed my husband and I believe it changed how he saw me or felt about me so our marriage collapsed. It seemed we didn’t really know each other and didn’t really care to anymore so we just drifted further apart. I was in my pit and rather than help me out, he just walked away.
In the end, our marriage ended and it took a while but I came out mostly whole, (I don’t think I’ll ever be 100%). In the years since, I have felt tremendous guilt for all that time that I was absent from myself and thus from my children and for the ending of my marriage and all the future holidays and such that have been disrupted because Mom & Dad, now GiGi & GiGi-Pa don’t live together anymore.
Anyway, it’s a lot and I know you understand, as I’m sure others who read this will as well.
Thank you for sharing.🩵
J
Thank you for sharing your story- i’m sure there are so many people out there feeling the same way, or have gone through something similar. And like I said, I’m going to try. But I also realize that as I discover myself and who I am now my wants and needs may change. We may not be on the same path anymore. All we can do is try and take care of our self. And then be able to forgive ourselves and let go of the guilt. ❤️❤️❤️
Your strength in acknowledging where you are is amazing. I was were you are 34 years ago. My children survived and have great life partners and are good human beings. They learned much from watching their parents struggle, survive and then thrive. Hugs my friend.
I’m so proud of you to put this out there and being brutally honest. You’ve taken the first steps and you will eventually see what is meant to be, good or not so good.
You can call me anytime, you know that!
I love you!😘💕
Happy for you my friend. It’s hard not to live in the past. The shoulda, coulda, woulda’s of life keep us down. Cheers to moving forward, new beginnings and new perspectives.
Jamie, your bravery and honesty are so inspiring. Thank you for writing such truth and for being so open!
Hello dear family friend! You are wise beyond your years! Your honesty is admired❤️